A lover who tells you they don’t care about money will lie to you about everything else as well.

She has a smile like an angel but a soul like nitroglycerin.

We spend one seventh of our lives on Tuesdays.

She has the kind of face a caricaturist can draw perfectly with three lines and a swoosh.

The temporary security guard was caught humping a stanchion in the janitorial closet.

We, who turned to gazpacho in our loneliness, must remember that our nephews named the rock band Sex In Church when the cousins of doubt fell upon the snow bears.

I lust after her so hungrily I believe I would eat her discarded toenail clippings.

Donna has a parrot that can sing Beach Boy songs.

All the babies we never made lay in scumbags in the bottom of the trash compactor.

These kids today, their eyes glaze over when you talk to them about the Vietnam War – you might as well be telling them about the Peloponnesian War.